Developer Life, Yo

These days there are a lot of documentary shows on TV about various professions. I am somewhat addicted to them – I watched whole seasons of shows about hairdressers, crab fishermen, lobster fishermen, tattoo artists in Florida, tattoo artists in Nevada (but not the one about tattoo artists in LA), restaurateurs ice road truck drivers, custom motorcycle builders, custom car builderscorrectional officers and inmates, and the Philadelphia meter maids.

My own profession is mostly untelevisable. Mostly. Well, maybe some TV network might make a show out of Aardvark’d: 12 Weeks With Geeks. I also think that there could be a tiny market for a heavily edited “looking over the shoulder” video on the code writing habits of colorful  alpha geeks like Linus Torvalds, Donald Knuth, Brad Fitzpatrick, Dries Buytaert, and maybe even  JWZ. I’d buy that for a dollar.

I found that there are two occupations that are unexpectedly similar to that of a software developer: prison inmate and line cook. Both of these are heavily male dominated, involve a disproportionate amount of minorities and are very stressful.

I recognized offices in which I worked all my life in prison layouts.  The common criminals usually live in a common area in the center of the prison. This is exactly like a common area of an office, except with bunk beds instead of desks. Some actually have semi-private cubicles. Inmates organize into gangs, just like departments. Gang leaders are usually placed into single or double cells that line the perimeter of the common area to cut down on the communication between them and their reports.  Even there you have to be a manager to score an office.

Restaurants are a lot like developer shops. You have your front of the house: waiters (sales people),  hosts and managers, food runners (analysts). And then you have your back of the house: chefs (architects and lead developers), line cooks (developers) and  prep cooks (producers). There’s no good equivalent for dishwashers in a typical developer shop.

People often assume that a chef primarily cooks and a lead developer primarily codes. Do you know the title of Julia Child’s awesome show? Well, she was neither French nor a chef. Chefs do surprisingly little cooking, they are more like conductors in  orchestras. They create menus,  divvy up the tasks, check quality, train and supervise cooks.  Best chefs, just like the best lead developers do find time to cook, but still spend more time organizing, tasting and researching.

Old Hat

Same old album. Here I am, at the shore of the Black Sea wearing my favorite cowboy hat. Man, did I love that hat. It had this feeling about it… The feeling of something a bit forbidden (cowboys after all were an American icon), and a feeling of freedom. My parents only let me wear that hat as a reward for finishing my summer homework assignments on time (which I rarely did), so there was also a feeling of accomplishment.

It’s kind of sad that wearing hats is out of fashion these days. Hats make you feel special. A fedora, a cowboy hat, a top hat, a derby hat. Gone, nobody wears them anymore, nobody remembers how special they are.

I keep meaning to buy a cowboy hat like that again, but never get around to it.

That Tactical Sensation

Today I am going to explore the geek/NYPD cop connection. Let’s see:

Geeks have Dockers Mobile Pant. I am not sure why Dockers marketing people all of a sudden decided to use the singular form of the word, but I guess they wanted to play on the connotation of “panting”. “Mobile Pant(s)” are dorky and ugly khaki pants that somewhat lessen the bulges from cellphones and pdas. I used to own a pair, and can’t say that I liked it much.

NYPD has “Patrol Tactical Pants”. Most New York newspapers ran gushing stories about NYPD being oh so very fashionable with the introduction of these pants. You can still find regurgitated bits of those stories over at Gothamist blog.

Moving on. Geeks have their Darth Vader lightsaber replicas. You can purchase a a cool plasma one with crazy effects or in a true Jedi manner build one out of a Heiland photo flashgun, just like the real thing.

Traffic cops started to appear with red led lit batons – mmmm, dark side color :

You can purchase your own pair of “Patrol Tactical Pants” over at Galls. They also have duty jackets (these are perfect for fishing), buckle less belts (these just look neat) and gloves.

Police gloves are cheaper, look and fit better than most good quality civilian gloves. I always hated wearing gloves because taking them off when I need to pay for something, use a camera or a phone. Some police gloves are made so that you can pick up a small coin in them easily. Just look at these: “enhanced tactical sensation”, cut resistance and “Water-resistant kangaroo leather palms”? Can you say the perfect winter fishing glove?

They also have more esoteric equipment:

Cold Water Immersion Suit – for NYC sewer diving

Rhino® 14″ Wheel Immobilizer – for that dumbass whose car alarm wasn’t letting you sleep all night

Holding Cell and Holding Cell Bench (perps sold separately) : as a gift for everybody’s favorite night club owner

Who Is The King Of New York Metrosexuals?

So, I sit down in my favorite seat on my favorite train and open the Fair und Balanced newspaper, ya? And what do I see? “Dmitry Paperny spends $60 a month more on grooming than fiancee Laura Rohrman.” And a full page photo of and his fiancee as an illustration to the article about metrosexuals. Yes, yes, according to the article is a full-on flaming metrosexual.

I have to say that being a closeted metrosexual myself, I mostly spend my money on books, electronics, bay items, tools, fishing stuff and cigars. I do have some Zirh “products” in the bathroom. So, , you go boy!

Embed With Microsoft

An auction for a special Microsoft shirt:
“The MICROSOFT� WINDOWS� EMBEDDED signature NAME and LOGO”

This reminded me of a t-shirt I’ve seen somewhere that said: “Embed me, link me, treat me like an object”.

Logo apparel is an amazingly effective propaganda tool. My favorite Microsoft shirt says “MS Commerce Server 2000 Surf Naked”. I still wear it even though it’s 3 years old.

I really want to get “Apple T-Shirts: A Yearbook of History at Apple Computer”, but it’s apparently rare and expensive at $180. Dang.

Some pretty cool shirts at http://geekt.org/:
Heh heh, so Outlook’s original code name was Ren. I am still working on that database of Microsoft codenames. Stay tuned.

I think Dave Cutler gave out Zero Bugs shirts also, but Netscape’s shirt is more famous.

How I wish there was a source for logo polo shirts from cool companies. I could go for some Amdahl, Cray, Microsoft, Apple, Xerox PARC shirts.

Now I Know Where Sinner Programmers Go When They Die

writing in smashing :

~ You are searched thoroughly at the end of every shift. You can’t put your coat on until you’re outside the store, and a manager has to search it first. Once outside, you’re patted down and may be asked to remove your shoes to make sure you’re not hiding any jewelry.

~ Being “friends” with anyone you work with is frowned upon, …

~ Any shopping bags/personal belongings/reading material/clothes discovered by the district manager will be thrown out immediately.
~ No “ethnic food” may be eaten on your break because it makes the store smell bad. You may only eat food that does not smell like anything.
~ No one with piercings or tattoos may be hired.
~ Avoid hiring anyone who is “aesthetically unpleasant” (e.g. ugly, fat, deformed, etc.) because they don’t “project the appropriate image”

The Temporary Tattoo of Wysdom

is (not entirely voluntarily) cleaning out junk out of her drawers. There are heaps of dot com era promotional junk that she accumulated from conventions.

* webclients.net : Your Portal to Profit – mini postits
* dsainc.com – golf tees
* iSmell Digital Scent Technology : – a sticker with a skunk. If I remember correctly they actually had a working model of smell-o-vision. I put the sticker on our toilet seat cover.
* WebLoad / radview.com – bouncy ball. Interestingly, bouncy balls are somewhat of cult item at Microsoft.
* Wysdom.com – temporary tattoo
* web 2 mobile – temporary tatoo
* yo.com – business card (cheap bastards)

I think all of them except iSmell are still in business (well, their websites are still up).

I wonder if the temporary dot com tattoos will ever become collectible…

And now, are you ready for a challenge? If you know who wrote this (looking up on the web doesn’t count), assign yourself 313 deadprogrammer points™ .

I need a temporary dog
For a temporary job
On a temporary place
Like Earth!

After hearing of the reason for my choice of the number of points to award said that I am “so full of myself”. She’s right, ya know.