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  • Michael Krakovskiy 10:02 am on June 23, 2005 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Enron, , Japanese poetry, , Melinda Getes, , Microsoft Office, National Aeronautics and Space Administration, , Roslyn Bank, , , , ,   

    Logology 

    Listen, people. Let me do a little follow up, and then I’ll shut up about Starbucks and logos for a little while. Honest.

    Firstly, earlier I wrote an article about the progression of the NASA logo – the Meatball, the Worm and the Vector.

    Secondly, MTA logo is nicknamed the “Pacman” because it looks like the 25 year old video game character. Waka-waka-waka, watch out for the ghosts.

    Thirdly, I wrote about the Roslyn Bank, the Blibbet and Starbucks logos too. All I can add to that are these two fine logos of the Microsoft products of the day gone by:

    Funny enough this Microsoft product allows to bring Microsoft BOB back to life. Melinda Getes’ legacy endures beyound Clippy!

    Fourthly, Amazon is selling this:

    Incredibly, they also have Women of Wal-Mart and Women of Enron.

     
  • Michael Krakovskiy 8:40 am on May 27, 2005 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Crew Leader, Crew Members, Face, Hourly Partners, , , , , National Aeronautics and Space Administration, printing jobs, , Squidward Tentacles, , Starbucks store, Talent, , Toyota Canada, Vehicle Advisor, WL Gore & Associates   

    Rank and File 

    Since a comprehensive list of Microsoft codenames already exists, I would like to move on to another taxonomy project that fascinates me. I would like to collect a list of weird titles so common in many big-name corporations. Here are some notes that I collected already.

    Also I am adding a little note about certain not very publicized rules that the company has that might help you get better service, or so to say to hack the system. You’ll see what I mean.

    Kinko’s
    Every employee carries a title of “Co-worker”. Employees use the term Kinkoid instead.

    Kinko’s hacks:
    All Kinkoids seem to live in fear of “mystery shoppers”. The corporate mothership sends special agents that pose as customers, and then evaluate the Co-workers. On at least several occasions I asked for some collating and printing jobs and quoted long wait times by Co-workers, which strangely had a change of heart and did the work right away. Your job is to make a Co-worker suspect that you are a “mystery shopper”. How? I don’t know, but apparently I managed to pull it off a couple of times.

    McDonald’s:
    Generic title: Crew Member. There are special non-management Crew Members with many years of experience called Crew Superstars. Managers carry the title of Crew Leader.

    Fast Food Hacks:
    This is a little known fact, but almost all soda fountains have a special button that will dispense seltzer. So technically the soda choice include seltzer. Sometimes when I am not in the mood for caramel coloring and phosphoric acid, I buy a medium soda and then ask them to find the button (most employees don’t know about it).

    Starbucks:
    Barristas are known as Hourly Partners. I’ve seen a title of Coffee Master on a manager’s card.

    Starbucks Hacks:
    There’s an 8oz cup called “Short” as opposed to the holy trinity of Tall-Grande-Venti. It’s never advertised, but I successfully ordered it on occasion.

    I learned a new trick, which I am not planning on using, but which surprised me. I found a tiny sticker which outlined Starbucks refill policy. It reminded me that Spongebob episode where Bubble Bass pointed out to the microscopic print on the Crusty Crab menu that outlined the refund policy. Anyway, it seems like the rule is that if you finish your drink within the hour, you can ask for a refill in the same cup at an unspecified reduced price. How will they know if you consumed your drink in an hour? There’s a label on the cup that records the time when the drink was ordered. You can also apparently bring in your own cup and have it filled at 30 cents off or so.

    You can ask for free coffee grinds at any Starbucks store to use as fertilizer for your garden or farm.

    Barnes and Noble:
    This is a surprising one. All B&N employees carry the title of “bookseller”. Even computer programmers and janitors. Thank you, anonymous tipster for this slice of corporate weirdness.

    Disney
    Most employees at Disney World are titled “Cast Members”. “Face” characters, like Cinderella and the like are “Union Actors”. Disney weirdness is too huge to discuss here, there are whole sites dedicated to the subject. “No Disney Cast member at the Disney reservation center has the same name. If there are more then two with the same then they are given a name.” Whoa.
    Thank you, Merlin!

    Pacific Theaters
    Ushers and the like carry the title of “Talent”.
    Thanks you, Greg!

    This calls for a gratuitous Spongebob quote:
    “Squidward: Repeat after me. “I have no talent”
    Spongebob: I have no talent.
    Squidward: “Mr. Tentacles has all the talent”.
    Spongebob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
    Squidward: “If I’m lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent can rub off on me”.
    Spongebob: If I’m lucky, Mr. Talent can…rub…his tentacles on my…art… (smiles)”

    Toyota Canada
    Salesmen carry the title of “New Vehicle Advisor ”
    Thank you, Aidan R.

    WL Gore & Associates
    Every employee is – you guessed it – an “Associate”.
    Thank you, Joe Grossberg.

    NASA
    Gouvernment employees are called “Guvvies” and contractors are called “Swaliens” (because they are frequently from Swales Aerospace.

    Thank you, anonimous commenter.

    IKEA
    IKEA employees have the same designation as Kinkos – “Co-worker”. I am not sure if this is a recent development or not.

    If you have any information like this, please let me know.

     
  • Michael Krakovskiy 12:59 am on January 14, 2004 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Manned mission to Mars, Mars exploration, Mars mission, Mars program, National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Spacecraft,   

    An Old Dream or One Of These Days, To the Mars, Alice! 

    LJ user avva mentioned in his journal that he is ashamed of the fact that there was never a manned Mars mission. Also our beloved overlord keeps talking about a Mars mission. So on my lunch break I dug around in my email and found an old dream of mine that never made Jesse Reclaw’s Slow Wave:

    There I was on Mars with four other astronauts. I fell into a red sand dune (kind of like quicksand). I remember hating the guts of some other astronaut, who helped me out of it, because I could have easily gotten out myself. It just made me look bad on TV.

    I was also tremendously pissed off at NASA. You see, their moronic plan of getting us off the planet was this: one astronaut would have a small rocket pack (and that wasn’t me). The others would grab his arms and legs, he would turn on the rocket pack and we would fly into low orbit. There we would find a small refueling craft (something like a barrel of fuel). With that fuel we would be able to reach our spacecraft in higher orbit. Faster, cheaper, better my ass — I thought.

     
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