Since a comprehensive list of Microsoft codenames already exists, I would like to move on to another taxonomy project that fascinates me. I would like to collect a list of weird titles so common in many big-name corporations. Here are some notes that I collected already.
Also I am adding a little note about certain not very publicized rules that the company has that might help you get better service, or so to say to hack the system. You’ll see what I mean.
Kinko’s
Every employee carries a title of “Co-worker”. Employees use the term Kinkoid instead.
Kinko’s hacks:
All Kinkoids seem to live in fear of “mystery shoppers”. The corporate mothership sends special agents that pose as customers, and then evaluate the Co-workers. On at least several occasions I asked for some collating and printing jobs and quoted long wait times by Co-workers, which strangely had a change of heart and did the work right away. Your job is to make a Co-worker suspect that you are a “mystery shopper”. How? I don’t know, but apparently I managed to pull it off a couple of times.
McDonald’s:
Generic title: Crew Member. There are special non-management Crew Members with many years of experience called Crew Superstars. Managers carry the title of Crew Leader.
Fast Food Hacks:
This is a little known fact, but almost all soda fountains have a special button that will dispense seltzer. So technically the soda choice include seltzer. Sometimes when I am not in the mood for caramel coloring and phosphoric acid, I buy a medium soda and then ask them to find the button (most employees don’t know about it).
Starbucks:
Barristas are known as Hourly Partners. I’ve seen a title of Coffee Master on a manager’s card.
Starbucks Hacks:
There’s an 8oz cup called “Short” as opposed to the holy trinity of Tall-Grande-Venti. It’s never advertised, but I successfully ordered it on occasion.
I learned a new trick, which I am not planning on using, but which surprised me. I found a tiny sticker which outlined Starbucks refill policy. It reminded me that Spongebob episode where Bubble Bass pointed out to the microscopic print on the Crusty Crab menu that outlined the refund policy. Anyway, it seems like the rule is that if you finish your drink within the hour, you can ask for a refill in the same cup at an unspecified reduced price. How will they know if you consumed your drink in an hour? There’s a label on the cup that records the time when the drink was ordered. You can also apparently bring in your own cup and have it filled at 30 cents off or so.
You can ask for free coffee grinds at any Starbucks store to use as fertilizer for your garden or farm.
Barnes and Noble:
This is a surprising one. All B&N employees carry the title of “bookseller”. Even computer programmers and janitors. Thank you, anonymous tipster for this slice of corporate weirdness.
Disney
Most employees at Disney World are titled “Cast Members”. “Face” characters, like Cinderella and the like are “Union Actors”. Disney weirdness is too huge to discuss here, there are whole sites dedicated to the subject. “No Disney Cast member at the Disney reservation center has the same name. If there are more then two with the same then they are given a name.” Whoa.
Thank you, Merlin!
Pacific Theaters
Ushers and the like carry the title of “Talent”.
Thanks you, Greg!
This calls for a gratuitous Spongebob quote:
“Squidward: Repeat after me. “I have no talent”
Spongebob: I have no talent.
Squidward: “Mr. Tentacles has all the talent”.
Spongebob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: “If I’m lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent can rub off on me”.
Spongebob: If I’m lucky, Mr. Talent can…rub…his tentacles on my…art… (smiles)”
Toyota Canada
Salesmen carry the title of “New Vehicle Advisor ”
Thank you, Aidan R.
WL Gore & Associates
Every employee is – you guessed it – an “Associate”.
Thank you, Joe Grossberg.
NASA
Gouvernment employees are called “Guvvies” and contractors are called “Swaliens” (because they are frequently from Swales Aerospace.
Thank you, anonimous commenter.
IKEA
IKEA employees have the same designation as Kinkos – “Co-worker”. I am not sure if this is a recent development or not.
If you have any information like this, please let me know.
At Macromedia, we call ourselves Macromedians.
Me and some of my co-workers call those who work on Flash development a different name :)
“Coffee Master” isn’t actually a job title at Starbucks. It’s an indicator that the individual has completed a training program to enhance their knowledge of and expertise with coffee, and all partners are eligible.
Unless things have changed, the B&N thing may be technically accurate, but in reality wrong. I worked for B&N from roughly 1994 – 1999. In that time, I had the title bookseller, Cafe Supervisor, Cafe Manager, District Cafe Trainer and floor supervisor (I think). In just one of the stores I worked at, other positions inclded Store Manager, Asst. Store Manager and the District Manager also worked out of that office (as did the “DM asst.”
Yeah, during “rah-rah” meetings, we were told we were all booksellers, but we all definitely had titles.
Here at NASA, federal employees are colloquially called guvvies. This is to distinguish us from contractors. One company that provides many contractors is Swales, hence the name Swaliens. Yes, they call themselves that openly. Another contractor is Mantech, whose name I guess works preemptively.
That’s awesome.
Technically accurate? That’s the best kind of accurate :)
That’s not as funny as “Talent” or “Cast Member”, but will do.
Oooh, the irony is delicious in that title. Thanks!
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I believe workers at the Disney parks are called “cast members.”
Generic employees at Pacific Theatres (found in Southern California, mostly) are called “talent.” Or, at least, that’s what they were called a few years ago when I worked at one.
Gore (maker of Gore-Tex fabric, among other things), calls all employees “Associate”, per Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point”.
I have a friend that works at Pete’s Coffee… I think I remember him saying they were called “Petenicks.” Either that or I’m just really clever and have a horrible memory.
dancemonkey,
Peetniks are customer’s with a recurring order, not employees, at least according to http://www.peets.com.
It is possible that employees call each other that also (or originally).
I stand corrected, at least as far as speeling is concered. They must call each other that as well because when I met one of his co-workers for the first time she asked me if I was a “Peetnik too.” I was appalled that someone would intentionally refer to themselves as a Peetnik, especially since it was (according to her) handed down from corporate…
Toyota Canada refers to its car salesmen as “New Vehicle Advisors”
That’s imagineering at work! Thanks!
He heh. Good one. At leat it’s not Hyperbaric Advisors.